In the suburbs, I never struggled with friendships.
People came and left in such short times, that people automatically
reached out to build community quickly. I had a lot of friends there who
still are my friends, even though they are far away. With them I
learned how to pray, how to love, how to go deep in my faith, how to
question matters of faith, and most of all how to be relationally
intimate with people as we went through life with all of its chaos and
crises.Moving to the country was anxiety filled. Would I have friends?
Would people like me? Would they accept me? These are basic fears that
all of us face whenever we experience change.
People always think they are friendly don't they? But
exactly what does it mean to be friendly? Every pastor wants his church
to be known as a friendly place, a place where people can develop
relationships easily. But how do you really know if your church, your
group, or that you yourself are relational and open to community - to
new people? It's especially hard when you've been a part of a group or a
congregation for a long period of time because your perspective is
skewed. Maybe you have friends or family that are a part of your group
and so of course you feel loved and accepted. But how well does that
translate to outsiders? Just because you experience friendship does not
mean that others do.
One of the interesting things about not pastoring for a
while is that we got to be the new people in churches. In some ways, we
still are the new people with our current church. Being in that position
allows you to observe and evaluate without blinders. My experience
pretty much everywhere I went was that churches had a lot of nice,
polite people... who kept to their same
group of friends and family. As a newcomer, one of the worst times in a
church service is when people insist that you shake hands with those
around you. It's awful for those who are not in the "in" group because
now you are forced to shake hands with people who really are not
interested in being your friend. So what do most people do in churches
where this is done? They sit only near their friends and family,
determined not to get out of their comfort zone and meet new people. New
people already feel awkward and now they are forced to shake hands with
people who either already just introduced themselves or could have and
chose not to. Either way, it's uncomfortable for the new person.
The ten minutes before and after church are challenging
for the newcomer too, especially if they've attended a couple of times.
They see groups of people chatting and laughing while they long to be
included. However, no one invites them to join in on the conversation.
Someone might introduce themselves or say hi, but no one invites the new
people to lunch or probe a little to see if they might want to visit a
small group or an upcoming event. For the most part, the new ones are
ignored. They soon learn to arrive right before church starts and leave
immediately so that they don't feel the pain of lonliness. However, the
regular attender might pat themselves on the back thinking they that
since they said, "Hi," that they are a friendly person. In reality, they
were only polite.
People seeking a new church are seeking a sense of belonging. They are seeking friends who they can grow with. If it were
only about hearing a good sermon, they would watch church on tv or
listen to podcasts. New people don't have friends nor a sense of
community, yet want them very much.
Creating community, being friendly, means invitations to
homes to hang out, play cards, go out to dinner, small groups, or social
events. It means being intentional about seeking out the newer ones and
making sure they find a group to meet people. It means that YOU do it
and not think someone else will. If you do not step out of your comfort
zone of established friends and family, you are missing out on being the
church. You are then only inward focused instead of outward focused.
It's not enough to say to a new person, "We'll have to have you come
over for dinner." You need to call them that week and invite them over.
It hurts to think someone cares and then to find that they've forgotten
what they said or worse, didn't really intend to invite you over.
Here's the thing... I've learned that people may think
they are friendly, but in reality are only polite. Politeness is
talking to someone because you happen to be at the same place at the
same time, like in the foyer at church or in the aisle at the grocery
store. Politeness is shaking someone's hand because someone told you
to. Politeness is telling someone about a class or an event that your
group offers but not going with them. It's polite, but it's not
relational. People want community and real relationships. It's how we
are designed. Relationships cannot be developed in large group settings.
It requires intimate settings, not settings with lots of people such as a church
pot luck or a graduation party or multiple families going to a
restaurant. It means dinners or lunch dates one family to one family, going out or being in together, completing a task together, etc.
Often times, the regulars of a group think that it's the new person's
responsibility to seek out community. How backwards and wrong thinking
that is!
Relationship
building takes much effort. Why do you suppose many choose to be polite
but not friendly? Maybe the reason so many don't want to invest in new
friendships is because of the cost. It costs time and effort as well as
emotional currency. There is accountability involved. Maybe they are
satisfied with their circle of family and friends and it doesn't even
cross their mind that others might need a friend. Since they are busy
maintaining what they already have, they don't want to invest in someone
new. Being polite comes easier. There's no deep cost involved. Being
friendly, on the other hand, has a price tag. But all of us need
friends, not just polite acquaintances.
What happens when a new person takes the initiative to
visit a new church and finds politeness rather than community? What
happens to those who've been so hurt by people in the past that they are
scared to even try to make first moves toward relationships in a new
community? They will either stop trying or they will go elsewhere with
all of their gifts, talents, and abilities, and most of all - their
love. I can't tell you how many people are lonely in my rural town,
wishing others would reach out. Over the past few months, many have
shared their disillusionment about what some people call "friendly." We
live in a community of politeness, of strong family ties, but I wonder
if it values building deep friendship with new people, of being an
authentic, Biblical community?
How do you want your church or group known by outsiders? I
want to be a part of the church that is KNOWN as being one that seeks
to build authentic friendships. That those who've been hurt elsewhere
can come and find healing through relationships they find here. It will
NEVER happen if you think others will do it. It starts with you.
So here's my challenge, questions for you to consider: Do
you consider yourself polite, or friendly with new people? How
will you change that? What new person (not already a part of your circle
of family and friends) will you determine to befriend with all that
entails? How can we authentically call ourselves a community of
believers if we are not a community for everyone? How do we build
intentional community? Do you want to? Does it matter?
